Today, I compose my first cease and desist letter
To “cpuihsb1949“of the email address email@example.com
It has come to our attention from an anonymous report that you have been redistributing a number of works and trademarks owned by my client “Center Porn Union Intellectual Honorary Sentimental Bystanders of 1949” to a number of undisclosed recipients via electronic mail:
Trademark violation of the registered trademark “cpuihsb1949” (see appendix 1)
Copyright Violation of the artistic pay-to-view written literature titled “From: Cheung Pui/Business Proposal” (2004) (see appendix 2 for full text)
“From: Cheung Pui/Business Proposal” (2004) was written by the cpuihsb1949 to express the kind of corruption the Chinese bank HSBC would exhibit if their friend, Badi Hassem joined the Iraqi military and invested in the bank. The text retains a bible-like importance to this day, available only to the highest paying members of the CPUIHSB1949 to view in a small dark room, and is not intended for viewing by the general public.
As this text is under Copyright and no law, worldwide (aside from North Korean law), allows unauthorized distribution of ripped text, you are in violation of our client’s copyright.
You are additionally violating our client’s trademark by using Trade Mark protected names as your email address without permission.
You have 7 minutes to completely remove the content from your hard drive, as well as suspending and deactivating your mail account and cease creating any new email accounts using our trademark, and pay a fine of $1000 for each of the recipients of your email containing our client’s creative work.
For more information visit sites.google.com/professionallawfirmwithitsownwebpage/info/ceaseanddesist
Also, we have contacted Hotmail and Yahoo, who have provided us with the IP address of the proxy service you were using. We then contacted the proxy service, which relayed us to another proxy service. We then contacted that proxy service, and they gave us your real IP address and therefore we contacted your ISP and found out your home location and then your real identity. If you do not comply, the hitman we hired (who is aiming at your head through your window with a high powered sniper rifle at this moment) will shoot you in the head.
Also do not attempt to close the window. The hitman has itchy trigger fingers.
In the event he missed, he will still go with plan B: walk into your room, and kill you.
Even if you overpowered him, we still have a backup hitman with a rocket launcher waiting outside, so don’t even think about it.
The Completely Professional Lawfirm
Notice: This email message, and any attachments thereto, is for the sole use of the intended recipient. It contains copyrighted material due to its completely artistic value, and may also contain legally privileged and confidential information. Any unauthorized use of this message is strictly prohibited, and would result in our firm contacting Bruce Willis and asking him to blow your head off. If you are not the intended recipient, please contact your local drug dealer by owl and permanently delete all content on your hard drive.
Note: This is a work of fiction. All resemblance to actual cease and desist letters is purely coincidental.
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Appendix 1: Screenshot of said text
Appendix 2: Full Text
MR. CHEUNG PUI
HANG SENG BANK LTD.
DES VOEUX RD. BRANCH,
CENTRAL HONG KONG,
Let me start by introducing myself. I am Mr Cheung Pui director of operations Hang Seng Bank Ltd. I have an obscured business suggestion for you. Before the U.S and Iraqi war our client Major Fadi Bassem who was with the Iraqi forces and also a business man made a numbered fixed deposit for 18 calendar months, with a value of twenty four million five hundred thousand United State Dollars in my branch. Upon maturity several notices was sent to him, even during the war. Again after the war another notification was sent and still no response came from him. We later found out that the Major and his family had been killed during the war in a bomb blast that hit their home.
After further investigations it was also discovered that Major Fadi Bassem did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including the paper work of his bank deposit. And he also confided in me the last time he was at my office that no one except me knew of his deposit in my bank.
As you can see, twenty four million five hundred thousand United States Dollars is still lying in my bank and no one will ever come forward to claim it. What bothers me most is that according to the by-laws of my country at the expiration of 9 years the funds will revert to the ownership of the Hong Kong Government if nobody applies to claim the funds. Against this backdrop, my suggestion to you is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand as the next of kin to Major Fadi Bassem so that you will be able to receive his funds.
WHAT IS TO BE DONE:
I want you to know that I have had everything planned out so that we will come out successful. I have contacted an attorney that will prepare the necessary document that will back you up as the next of kin to Major Fadi Bassem, all that is required from you at this stage is for you to provide me with your full name and address so that the attorney can commence his job, after you have been made the next of kin, the attorney will also file in for claims on your behalf and secure the necessary documentation for the movement of the funds to an account that will be provided by you.
There is no risk involved at all in the matter as we are going to adopt a legalized method and the attorney will prepare all the necessary documents. Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue. Once the funds have been transferred, we shall share in the ratio of 70% for me, 25% for you and 5% for any expenses incurred during the course of this operation. Should you be interested please send me your private phone and fax numbers for easy communication, you can write me via my private box (firstname.lastname@example.org) and finally after that I shall provide you with more details of this operation.
Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.
Mr. Cheung Pui.