The Little Mermaid

Lemme tell you a story.

Once upon a time,


A man sees a redhead at sea, half body

Beneath the murky waves, he feels a bit horny

So he brings his ship forward and tries to speak

With the little girl but turns out she can’t repeat

The walking he can, she feels a bit sorry

Because she has a tail and fin for feet

There’s mutual attraction, for some reason

The fish girl wants to bear the man’s first son

Unfortunately due to mythical reasons

The girl will have to stay in a tank and once

A day she’ll be fed some bread and penis

She’ll be trapped in a glass box with water and fishes

The man sees no problem with a caged woman

If she can’t bugger him with her once a month

But perhaps there was a mishap in their communication

Cause the fish girl went to her local magician

And in exchange for shutting up, she got two legs and a cunt

And became the best girlfriend a guy ever won


Mermaid, mermaid

Grind you into mermalaid

Seeing you I don’t think of getting laid

Cause you’re just another fisherman Frank bait

At this point, little Frank had a question

And his mom had to pause for his revelation

See Frank was not exactly the smartest of young’ns

He was a bit fat and ate more than his pig mum

At the particular day he was hungry as usual

And the story of Ariel got him watering for a while now

So at this point he stood up with juvenile

And asked if he could eat the fairytale wench and how

And of course it had then to be explained

That young Frank’s convictions were to be in vain

For there were only fish and girls, there wasn’t a fish girl

And the so-called mermaid was imaginational

Plus a fish girl was half human so technically

Eating a human would be illegal

And if you eat a regional, it could cause an incident international

People are intolerant of cannibals

But that wouldn’t stop young frank, he was idealistic

And nothing would stop him from that premium fish stick

So when sticking fake nipples in his mouth wouldn’t make him shut it

His mum decided it was time to be drastic


Mermaid, mermaid

Grind you into mermalaid

Seeing you I don’t think of getting laid

Cause you’re just another fisherman Frank bait


So she got in the kitchen, came out with a knife

Instead of a Sandwich, Frank’s father was baffled at his wife

She stared at the boy, and bought some fish and neighbor

Chopped it up, and made Frank some lovely dinner

The first meal could be described as mediocre

It was amateur, there was a clear disproportion in supper

The lady in question was two meters in diameter

The fish was a goldfish, what the FUCK, MA?

But this was the only way she could solve the riddle

See crackheads don’t tend to be missed more than a little

And goldfish, well she stole it from a Chinese guy

Cuz Frank’s mom was racist, there’s your answer, that’s why.

Still despite the errors Frank was happy as a fly

Sucking fake mermaid blood through a straw like a mosquito

Everyone was happy, they even had some burritos

And tolerated lame rhymes as they ate the meal though.

Frank the little infant had wittle to rant about

He was too stuffed with crackhead and fish to let words come out

But as mummy saw a clear smile across his face

The look on hers would help you tolerate 50 shades of grey.

The family was very happy that day

Aside from the father, his brothers and the crackhead

And their policeman cousin, but who gives a fuck about they anyway


Mermaid, mermaid

Grind you into mermalaid

Seeing you I don’t think of getting laid

Cause you’re just another fisherman Frank bait


Of course the day came when the food stopped coming

Young Frank now less young Frank cried, for the dinner bell stopped ringing

As his mother was carried off to dead people jail Incriminated by her self-blaming will

Still the government bastards figured him out

And Frank had to do some Bourne shit to disappear from his house

Without being spotted, he paid his respects at the morgue

Then bolted into a distant town with remorse

That he didn’t thank his mother enough, he took it rough

Mummy was gone, if there was ever one he loved

Then he saw a girl approaching, he knew what he had to do

He grabbed a piece of fish, the girl and a workshop tool!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, AAAAAAAAAAAAh screamed the poor little bitch

As she was split, superglued and stitched onto half a fish

Did I mention Frank was a doctor? She survived

But barely as Frank went for his food chopping knife

This time the tail was the right size, and Frank made sure it hadn’t a dick

The last thing you want on a mermaid is a 20 inch fish prick

As the frying pan sizzled, the fisherman whistled

“always look at the bright side of life”, a pistol

Wouldn’t want the girl to suffer now? Maybe we do

Aim for the fucking hand, safety off, kaboom!


Mermaid, mermaid

Grind you into mermalaid

Seeing you I don’t think of getting laid

Cause you’re just anotherfisherman Frank bait

Nom nom on his plate, the boat was floatin on the ocean


Nom nom her remains, Frank stared out into the open

Did his net catch something? OH YES, A SHARK!!!!!

Is it an endangered one? Fuck them activists’ remarks

As he loaded his whales, sharks and such

Into the cargo hold, he thought of his luck

It was gonna run out soon, but enough

Of the sidetracking, there was food to be in the making

Frank was raking in profits in multinational dealings

Businessmen, Presidents, everybody wanted this risqué feeling

The human nature is dark, innit?

Frank smiled slyly as he wrote down his Christmas Lyrics:


Mermaid, mermaid

Girls that wanna be mermaids

You better watch out for Fisherman Frank

He grinds you into mermalaid

His funky ship has lots of fishies

Ready to be festively eat

So watch out for that mermaid

It’s just another fisherman Frank bait

And they all lived happily ever after. The End.

Disclaimer: This is a work of art. No actual intention of eating mermaids is involved- just so you government internet ppl can calm the fuck down 吐舌頭

If you can't think of anything to comment, just fill in your bank account details or social security number.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s