Carelessly flipping through meaningless pages, the extreme pressure felt like it was none. Severe consequences- tomorrow, and the days after. People to face, but there was no excuse. There needn’t be.
A heart half set on dying, the pain burning off any hope – too little time.
Talk about bad decisions made by the young, at least tobacco had little correlation with the completion of tasks set by the school. Work worthy of a questioning, how meaningful is an investigative essay which’s purpose is not for actually solving an existing problem, but rather for displaying knowledge? Call it training, but in the end for all the hard work, the outcome only serves as a certification.
A mind set on career, prefers years of work experience over years of education, yet understands the conflict: What kind of work experience could a person obtain if they hadn’t the education required for said line of work? Without the fundamentals there would be little chances of advancing a career, heavily bottle-necking any possible progression.
There are alternatives to having a degree, yet he knows he does not bear the applicable charisma to fulfill the void. There is no option when time has been needlessly wasted. Ten weeks worth of work originally set to be completed in eight weeks, a bad decision shrunk the available time down to six weeks, lack of motivation and hope brought this time down to a week.
Tomorrow is the deadline. No, not really, the teachers will usually allow a day or so’s extension, maybe even a week if I push it. Yet how much can I get done in a week, especially with the inevitable influx of new homework? I wish there was a clear instruction manual to the completion of homework, but there isn’t one, thanks to the concept of self-learning. Quite frankly what’s the point of going to school if you had the ability to self learn? After all a good book is a million times cheaper than tuition.
I am beginning to relish the idea of exams-based learning, the education system that everything comes down to that one exam at the end of the school year, all the homework etcetera midway is just there to help you learn, an exam system where the student isn’t constantly under the pressure of being assessed until the end of the year.
Who am I to talk about being under pressure? I practically wasted my summer vacation on entertainment, I deserve to be under so much pressure, I brought the trouble onto my self, it’s my fault, I’m the one to blame, after all education shouldn’t be made to suite the student, if the student cannot learn in the system then it’s the student’s fault for not trying hard enough.
I admire my classmates, the way every single one of them can ace through every test and every piece of homework, while still being sociable and good at video games, but that only adds to my depression, reminding me of how hopeless a state I am in. It probably has something to do with upbringing, or my intelligence. You know the talk about being creative and being different and how it’s okay to be yourself? Only retards believe in that shit, and by that I mean I really believed that, and acted accordingly.
You know how adults make fun of kids who try to fit in in school, i.e. those who do drugs because their “friends” do drugs, you know those adults who always portray “fitting in” as stupid, and the moral of every film seems to be “be yourself”? Well that just happens to not be the case in my setting, because the I suppose most badass and popular kids at my school just happen to also excel at academics. Call it an Asian stereotype or whatever, I just wished that I had realized sooner that fitting in was a good thing.
Look at me now. Though I have made changes to myself in order to become more sociable, I am still me, and not in a good way. It is now too late for a personality makeover, and I feel like I can only hope that being me works out for me.
If life were a videogame, and by that I mean any and all consequences could be reversed, I would choose to drop out of school, center my academics on solely mathematics and physics, and then go to pilot school. Because out of all the subjects I learn at school, there are some I couldn’t care less about, and I know I could have a career without. Unfortunately my life being the bitch that it is has made it so that I am still handing in homework for subjects I don’t need, and as for the subjects I should be focusing on I’m not performing even remotely well.
I am constantly depressed. I am suicidal. But I know I’m not gonna kill myself, and I know I’m not gonna do something crazy that “throws my life away” (even though I’m done half of that already). And it just adds to the depression. It’s like a tunnel with no possible light at the end. I know, the perfect solution for crazy. Maybe I already am. I am (or like to think of myself as) a rational thinker, but not a rational doer. I feel like (a) Shakespeare (tragedy) waiting to happen. Coupled by the fact that I haven’t really figured out what Shakespearean tragedy stands for. I want to kill myself, but I can’t and won’t and don’t want to. Every time I pick up a book to study or to do my homework, the lack of a clear direction as to how is de-motivational x 1000. I’m trapped in an invisible cage, slowly wasting away. This isn’t freedom.
This is some cheesy shit, but life doesn’t have restarts. I don’t know what I’m gonna do with mine.