Warning: The following short play/script may be offensive to religious people and people who fear words because somehow four letters can be evil.
A classroom in heaven.
The teacher, Miss Mary, stands in front of them: Alright class today we’re going to begin with the handicraft project we talked about last lesson. Now I know we’re all very excited to get started, but before I hand out the microbang reaction packets please take time to observe the RPG acronym. Jehovah, can you tell me what RPG stands for?
Jehovah, a young boy of 13, is slumped on his heaven-desk, drooling in his shut-eye: mmmmm
An attentive boy beside Jehovah, Satan, nudges him in a friendly reminder: Yo Jay-hoe, Mizz Mary’s askin you somethin
Startled, Jehovah springs up: Wha?
The class laughs at Jehovah
Mary: You’ve been hibernating for two million years since you entered this classroom, how are you supposed to graduate if you don’t pay attention in class and become a professional creator? Now, answer my question.
Jehovah stares blankly, Satan leans over and whispers into his ear.
Jehovah: ..ok. Res…ponsible… Pra-pla…ying god. Responsible Playing God
Mary: Responsible Playing God, that’s right. Sit back down Jehovah. In advanced creation you will learn to create universes with multiple habitable galaxies and many interesting life forms with beautiful outcomes, but right now we will focus on making a universe with a single habitable planet that provides suitable habitability to guide a single sentient life form to microintelligence, and eventually a simple civilization. Bear in mind that when engaging in creation experiments, we are deciding the lifetime experience of trillions of souls, so it is imperative we make the adequate calculations, enough to ensure a happy or at least content life for every single person we create. It is our duty as creators to minimize the negative impact environments have on people. Now, take out your soul packets.
Jehovah and the rest of the students each take out a USB key with the markingEntry level soul packet 1×10^999 clear souls 20% refinement basic reproduction
Mary: I will now hand out the microbang reaction packets, do not insert them into your genesis containments until I give the instruction. If you have any questions, just ask me. Now firstly, we will do some calculations to make the reaction packet create a basic life-sustaining planet. We have to consider what kind of an environment we want, and what physical reactions throughout the universe can achieve the environment. We will now do some calculations.
Mary leads the class in inputting calculations on their computers.
A million years later…
Mary: There, we have just created the conditions to produce a perfect planet with minimal natural disasters and a suitable environment to create a healthy civilized culture with a decent level of scientific progress and suitable humanity. JEHOVAH!
Jehovah springs up from another hibernation: I already did it, ma’am.
Mary comes over and inspects Jehovah’s screen, skim reading through the various calculations for around 4 centuries.
Mary: Hmm. Seems legit.
Mary returns to the Board: The next step is to create the condition for the forming and evolutions of secondary life forms – plants, mammals, fish and gorlax for your sentients to interact with. Now Jehovah, get some help from Satan as the following calculations do involve instances from the previous calculations.
Jehovah pulls Satan over to his screen: What do you think?
As Mary teaches, Satan looks over Jehovah’s calculations: MOTHER OF GOD, with this thing, you’ll fail for sure. Here Jay-ho, let me help you with it.
Satan grabs Jehovah’s computer and begins editing the calculations. Jehovah slumps back to hibernation.
Millions of years later…
Satan: Well I managed to add fish back into the calculations, but I couldn’t fit the gorlax in anywhere. And I removed some…things that would drag your marks down. I mean, (Glances at teacher) Virgin Mary? Seriously? Heh I mean I get it, but boy you got some problems. And the whole religion thing you got going on? Not gonna have the best of outcomes, so I altered it a little.
Jehovah (tired): Look Sate, can I just have my calculations back?
Jehovah stares at the edited calculations. After around half a century, he becomes enraged: YOU TRAITOR!
Jehovah: You said you altered the religion, but you removed the possibility completely!
Satan: Look they don’t teach religion until advanced creation level 5, and even the professionals have trouble getting religion right.
Jehovah: You, you-
Satan: Look. I get straight A’s, but some things are just way beyond my- our league.
Jehovah: I wanna be worshipped, I wanna be loved, and I saw this TV show where they managed religion in less than fifty thousand lines of calculations, I can achieve this
Satan: No you can’t!
Jehovah stared, red faced, at Satan real hard, furiously: I am Jehovah, a spiteful vengeful god. I will do as I please.
Satan: And the pain that could come from your creation, it’s not ethical.
Jehovah: My calculations show that everyone will be completely happy
Satan: You know that’s not-
Jehovah: Lies! Lies! LALALALALAALALALALALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU LALALALALALAALALAALALALA
Satan: Jay-ho, please
Mary: QUIET! Or should I send you both to the principal’s Pearly Gate?
Satan & Jehovah: No ma’am. Sorry ma’am.
Jehovah enters new calculations into his computer, furiously smashing the inputs.
Millions of years later…
Mary: Alright class, you’ve had plenty of class time, now it’s time for me to assess you results. Insert your soul packets into the soul slot of the genesis containment, and insert your microbang packets into the reaction slot, right there like this.
The class does as she says
Mary: Now initiate the forming process and model the microbang substance to your calculations.
The microbang packets of each of the classmates glow to some varying degree, but Jehovah’s packet just smokes. He stares sheepishly. Meanwhile Satan’s packet gives off a brilliant rainbow of colors.
Mary: Are your forming processes completed? Good. Now on my mark, begin the reaction. Good luck.
The students ready their fingers on the enter key.
Within each of the student’s monitors, various big bangs begin happening. In the genesis containments a small blink is seen followed by what seems to be a tiny universe, expanding.
Mary: Now, increase the magnification of your scope and observe your big bang. Note the rate of expansion.
The camera pans across the student’s screens.
Student A shows the reading – Rate of expansion – 301 million miles per minute
Student B’s reading – 256 million miles per minute
Satan’s reading – 382 million miles per minute
Jehovah’s reading – 12 million miles per minute
Mary: Now that your universe is expanding, try to locate your planet. Remember your calculations about trajectory, location and the development of the planet.
Out of the corner of the classroom, student B’s voice: Oh My Goodness, I’ve got cavemen already!
Mary hurries to look through Student B’s scope: Very good!
Satan looks into his scope happily, and Jehovah pushes Satan aside to look for himself (jealously): Those people seem very happy. Only 30000 years since your big bang and you’ve already had a planet and a civilization that has arrived at the Bronze age. (sniff) I bet you want to look at my universe?
Satan: Not really.
Jehovah returns to his genesis containment, and stares through its scope some more.
Mary: Now increase your magnification, you should be able to observe your specie’s colonization of nearby planets depending on progress.
Jehovah raises his hand: Teacher?
Mary walks over.
Jehovah: Why can’t I find Earth?
Mary peeks through the scope, adjusts the settings some more: Well it appears you haven’t formed a habitable planet yet. 12 million miles per minute is an awfully slow speed. Hopefully – however, it will mean that your universe lasts longer.
Several billion years later…
Satan peeks through Jehovah’s scope: Hmm… looks like you’ve finally got a habitable planet.
Jehovah: Habitable planet, meanwhile your people are flying in space already. All I’ve got are these, well, cool reptiles and they’re big and scary and – AWWWWWWWWW CRAPSTICLES METEOR KILLED THEM ALL
A while later…
Jehovah: Woohoo, I finally got intelligent life!
Satan looks over some more: Seems like they’re in the Iron Age, and just… Hmm… There seems to be a slight difference between yours and mine.
Satan returns to his console, and rewinds a recording. Then he comes back: Yeah, I had an Iron Age too, except that your… humans are a bit different.
Jehovah: How so?
Satan: You’re terrible at creating. I mean look- They’re killing each other! That has never happened on any of the others.
Jehovah: Shut up Sate
Satan: You should’ve listened to me Jay-ho, you should have followed instructions. I mean my humans have already evolved into omnipotent species of their own already, meanwhile your humans are still building weapons trying to – wait a minute hold on.
Satan peeks through Jehovah’s scope some more.
Jehovah: What are you doing?
Satan: I’m viewing their literature
Jehovah: Sate, I
Jehovah: Really, I am
Satan (unsettled): SHHHH
Jehovah shuts up
Satan dismounts from the scope, and stares at Jehovah.
Satan: You. bastard.
Jehovah: Look man
Satan: You sent millions of people to terrible deaths.
Satan: There’s pain, prejudice, suffering, natural disasters, religion where these people blindly worship and fight over you?? The Jesus crap where this random Earth person is your – god you’re THIRTEEN! nevermind all that fucked up shit called the bible
Jehovah tries to speak but is interrupted again
Satan: And, You Made Me The Most Hated And Evil Symbol of an ENTIRE UNIVERSE??? (gasp) How could you? I thought we were friends! I’ve been nothing but kind to you.
Jehovah: Well, your horns are pretty stupid
Satan swings his fist into Jehovah’s face, flinging him off his feet. God-blood spills from the corner of Jehovah’s mouth.
Jehovah: Your peaceful universe sucks
Satan: At least they’re not killing each other. At least they’re not limited to that crap speed of 12 million miles per hour
Jehovah: Oh yeah? Well the slow speed just means it last lo-
Poof goes an explosion, as Satan and Jehovah both hurry to Jehovah’s console. Inside the genesis containment, a smoldering cloud of black ashes, nothing more.
Satan: Looks like your people just managed to blow their entire universe up in their primitiveness. What an accomplishment.
Satan slings his shotgun onto his back, and walks away towards the sunset to the credits music, as Jehovah (whining): No, where’s my virgins, and where’s the billions of people who love me because I totally care for them and intelligently designed a universe for them that didn’t- dammit, it’s so unfair naw fair nn (screeching and screaming and whining inaudibly