The Daydream of Hindsight

I’m stuck in the past.
I daydream about everything I would do differently
If I could rewind time but not my memory
It’s a nice fantasy
That hurts me, I yearn for it so much
Its un fair that knowledge comes after experience
It’s unfair that you burn before you learn.
Sometimes I want to kill myself
Under the extremely unlikely chance that I’ll be
reincarnated with my present knowledge intact
It’s sad.
You may say, that’s life.
Get over it, shit is bad.
But when the only reasons preventing my suicide
Are the pains and lost opportunities of death
I wonder, is it worth it to stay alive?
Although sometimes, eternal unconsciousness
Seems like it could be the better deal.
I hate that I’m being forced to survive
By my own cowardice.
The thought that life could be better pains me
The thought that life could be worse pains me more.
Some things I think I do not care for.
Some things I do not know until I do
I rely too much on intuition.
I think back to how bad the simpler times were
How much the light shines through this tunnel
To the future.
Temptress, how elusive.
You’d be within reach if I didn’t think about it
But I have
And I know the utopia won’t come fast
And I wonder how long I’ll last
I fuse my past with my knowledge in the present
I imagine, and will the outcome to something
The erratic mental relapse.
So arrest me for thought crimes I cannot deny
It’s not victimless if I cannot get by
I never cry
Except when tears fill my eyes
I never lie
Except when I sleep-
talk at night
I don’t night-sleep either, I daydream
How great if luck and me were ever on the same
I’m no luckier than statistics would let me, even
if I had a penny for every time life sucked
I wouldn’t want it
to blow me.

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