If Christianity were made by the matriarchy.

This is not an attack on feminism, but it is an attack on Christianity. Yes, Christians, this is what the bible sounds like.

And so, the great prophet J prosthelytized:

“The goddess H is the metaphorical woman of your dreams. She metaphorically created us in her image, which is why ugly people exist.

With infinite grace she entices the lust of just men.

Those who obey her laws of Don’t kill, Don’t steal My man and Don’t call me a bitch because I am an emotionally weak goddess, are rewarded with a metaphorical night of passion after their death, for one metaphorical lay is worth all the materialism in the world. Heaven is worshipping the great goddess by metaphorically giving her cunnilingus for the rest of time in an eternal garden of roses, while hell is a lake of fire.

The universe was created to pleasure her metaphorical vagina, on the first day she created the rose. On the second day she created the scent of cherry, and the universe there after.

The goddess H is beauty. We are her sons and daughters, and she wants to metaphorically make love to every one of us, and she wants us to save our metaphorical virginity for her.”

The great prophet J sat with the male prostitute K, and continued while male prostitute K washed her feet:

“If a fat woman rapes an unwedded male, she shall commit 1 apology and $30 to the parents and wed him. The male shall be stoned to death had he not yelled loud enough, or admitted within a day of the incident to his friends that he got raped by a fat cow and would like very much to be embarrassingly sold to his rapist for $30 . This law was approved by the great goddess back in the day when she was still talking and could easily tell her chosen people’s government to change the law, but didn’t.

Wives, love your husbands while you subjugate their civil liberties.

You know this one time rapists from Country L had sex with I mean raped my pool boy, so I cut him up and mailed chunks of his battered body to my allies as evidence for eradicating the people of Country L.

Every few centuries or so the great goddess gets her period and needs to commit genocide on her creation for completely justified reasons, until one day she got pregnant so the periods stopped, and sent her innocent super-hot Caucasian daughter to be raped to death for our sins (as depicted in the Passion of Christine). Christ got raped to death, and 3 days later the townspeople discovered she was alive upon which she disappeared in front of their eyes so no further proof of her resurrection could be recorded. Nowadays believers are waiting for the second birth – an event when all hell breaks loose and those who didn’t call the goddess a bitch get to be airlifted to her sweet sixteen, which by the way is the age of the universe because your science is wrong, I am not that old.”

The great prophet J continued about Satan:

“Satan, yeah she’s a total bitch.

I made my creation as smart as me and told them not to eat the easily grasped and tasty looking nerd fruit, but satan seemed to think that people should have more knowledge, I mean that nerd is a total bitch, always offering my creation tips on being happier when they’re happy enough with me, I mean like she’s not fricking Oprah. When I see my metaphorical man happier than he should be, I know that something is wrong.

Bottom line is, I am in love with man, metaphorically.”


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