Guess who just dug up a piece of treasure after digging through old files? This guy. Me.
Another genius writing of the fucked up fairytales variety, an epic tale concerning love, magic and communism, composed by yours truly back in august 2012.
The Cuban Snow White
I’m going to tell you a story
Not for the faint of heart
It might deal with sensitive issues
Such as Hitler and National Parks
But please don’t disrespect me with
An impression of Simpson, Bart
Or else may god strike your genitals
With a colony of repulsive warts
This intro is getting long
And isn’t making any sense,
So Once upon a time there was
A princess who was Cuban
She was ugly as a rotten egg was rotten
When she was born the world paused a sudden
Cause everyone felt a shiver as chilling as snow
And her mother’s face turned pale white
She screamed at her deity, “This joke is low!”
And the doctor in charge committed suicide.
The queen was so horrified with her daughter’s deform
She bought a rope in a hardware store and became a lesbian.
Then the king had to kill her, because then
Lesbians were illegal according to the Wikipedia he relied on.
Many minutes after the poor queen got fired
The king had to find a wife before his hands got tired.
So the servants sought a TV show of real life
Called “Roll The Dice to find out who’s the wife”.
The result was a woman, Contestant one-three
Who found a crack pipe in the pick up Humvee
She got addicted and smoked magic dust
And when she was sober she made quite a fuss
The king was so displeased with the royal servanting
That he cut off his thumb protesting the crappy job they were doing.
But he kept the wife; she was good enough for now
Then one day Snow White played with a hammer and sickle.
By accident, in horror’ of the king’s wife
Young snow white had broken the queen’s crack pipe
While the queen was smoking it, which made it worse
“I’m gonna kill Snow White!” on twitter the queen cursed
In protest of her wish for Snow White dead
The king yelled slogans until his throat had bled.
“She’s gonna kill me?” read the girl on the web,
and she packed up her things, caught a taxi and fled.
But oh, young naïve Snow White didn’t know
The driver was a zombie working for the crack-taking hoe.
So after an hour’s drive in deserted plains
“This place ain’t the airport!” She finally exclaimed.
The taxi halted, the driver tried to eat
Young Snow White’s brains and facial meat
However the princess ignored the scary
She ate the zombie since she was hungry
Snow white was happy with the zombie’s ribs
Which was cooked into steak by her personal chef
who was with her all this time
with his portable frying pan which was fine
What she didn’t know about the servant
He was also working for the queen of the land
He reported the failure to kill the girl
The queen was so angry, for hours she hurled
Then finally the queen had to give the word
“Screw the assassination, let’s send in the hordes!”
And as the hordes of Zombies approached her
Snow White had no choice but to flee in her chopper
Which she had loaded on top of the taxi
But the flight didn’t last for the young escapee
For she wasn’t a qualified pilot, you see
She crashed into a green willow tree.
Then came seven midgets who scrapped the whirly bird
Using its metal plates to build a box that stores dirt
Oh yeah, and one of them also called an ambulance
So unconscious Snow White got medical treatment
The queen heard that her evil plan had gone wrong
She had to find a way to bid Snow White so long.
She called for euthanasia as the young girl’s mom
Stating the girl deserved to die for what she did to the queen’s bong
To save Snow White’s plug a midget infected himself with cancer
And some crappy charity foundation granted his last wish, which was to save her.
And so Snow White awoke to attend the midget’s funeral
At which she revealed she wasn’t unconscious at all.
She was actually fine, just faking it to stay alive,
And she got a job farming opium since she had survived
A number of persons were disappointed
Including the chef we mentioned before.
He had to kill Snow White because
He couldn’t stand her complexion no more.
Under the queen’s help the chef
Tried to stab young Snow White to death
But being unconscious was so hungering that
Snow White had to eat the Chef instead.
Contestant one-three had no choice left
“The bitch must die, to maggots she will be fed!”
So upon the Cubans
The zombie virus was unleashed
After months of darkness
Everyone became a beast
Except for Snow White who miraculously survived
Because killing her off right now just is not right.
Finally, after months of pursuit,
Snow White got cornered by a creepy Zombie Jew
She kissed the Zombie, and turned it into a handsome prince
They fell in love instantly, and had the stepmom lynched.
They lived eating zombies ever after
Until they got AIDS from eating a walker
Who was a whore before she died
And so the princess finally died.
The moral of this story is that
Being a whore is wrong and bad
Especially if you ruin the ending
Of a lovely fairytale writing
By a guy who had been spending
A dozen hours to bring your enjoying.