The Cuban Snow White

Guess who just dug up a piece of treasure after digging through old files? This guy. Me.

Another genius writing of the fucked up fairytales variety, an epic tale concerning love, magic and communism, composed by yours truly back in august 2012.


The Cuban Snow White


I’m going to tell you a story

Not for the faint of heart

It might deal with sensitive issues

Such as Hitler and National Parks


But please don’t disrespect me with

An impression of Simpson, Bart

Or else may god strike your genitals

With a colony of repulsive warts


This intro is getting long

And isn’t making any sense,

So Once upon a time there was

A princess who was Cuban


She was ugly as a rotten egg was rotten

When she was born the world paused a sudden


Cause everyone felt a shiver as chilling as snow

And her mother’s face turned pale white

She screamed at her deity, “This joke is low!”

And the doctor in charge committed suicide.


The queen was so horrified with her daughter’s deform

She bought a rope in a hardware store and became a lesbian.

Then the king had to kill her, because then

Lesbians were illegal according to the Wikipedia he relied on.


Many minutes after the poor queen got fired

The king had to find a wife before his hands got tired.

So the servants sought a TV show of real life

Called “Roll The Dice to find out who’s the wife”.


The result was a woman, Contestant one-three

Who found a crack pipe in the pick up Humvee

She got addicted and smoked magic dust

And when she was sober she made quite a fuss


The king was so displeased with the royal servanting

That he cut off his thumb protesting the crappy job they were doing.

But he kept the wife; she was good enough for now

Then one day Snow White played with a hammer and sickle.


By accident, in horror’ of the king’s wife

Young snow white had broken the queen’s crack pipe

While the queen was smoking it, which made it worse

“I’m gonna kill Snow White!” on twitter the queen cursed


In protest of her wish for Snow White dead

The king yelled slogans until his throat had bled.

“She’s gonna kill me?” read the girl on the web,

and she packed up her things, caught a taxi and fled.


But oh, young naïve Snow White didn’t know

The driver was a zombie working for the crack-taking hoe.

So after an hour’s drive in deserted plains

“This place ain’t the airport!” She finally exclaimed.


The taxi halted, the driver tried to eat

Young Snow White’s brains and facial meat

However the princess ignored the scary

She ate the zombie since she was hungry


Snow white was happy with the zombie’s ribs

Which was cooked into steak by her personal chef

who was with her all this time

with his portable frying pan which was fine


What she didn’t know about the servant

He was also working for the queen of the land

He reported the failure to kill the girl

The queen was so angry, for hours she hurled


Then finally the queen had to give the word

“Screw the assassination, let’s send in the hordes!”

And as the hordes of Zombies approached her

Snow White had no choice but to flee in her chopper


Which she had loaded on top of the taxi

But the flight didn’t last for the young escapee

For she wasn’t a qualified pilot, you see

She crashed into a green willow tree.


Then came seven midgets who scrapped the whirly bird

Using its metal plates to build a box that stores dirt

Oh yeah, and one of them also called an ambulance

So unconscious Snow White got medical treatment


The queen heard that her evil plan had gone wrong

She had to find a way to bid Snow White so long.

She called for euthanasia as the young girl’s mom

Stating the girl deserved to die for what she did to the queen’s bong


To save Snow White’s plug a midget infected himself with cancer

And some crappy charity foundation granted his last wish, which was to save her.

And so Snow White awoke to attend the midget’s funeral

At which she revealed she wasn’t unconscious at all.


She was actually fine, just faking it to stay alive,

And she got a job farming opium since she had survived


A number of persons were disappointed

Including the chef we mentioned before.

He had to kill Snow White because

He couldn’t stand her complexion no more.


Under the queen’s help the chef

Tried to stab young Snow White to death

But being unconscious was so hungering that

Snow White had to eat the Chef instead.


Contestant one-three had no choice left

“The bitch must die, to maggots she will be fed!”


So upon the Cubans

The zombie virus was unleashed

After months of darkness

Everyone became a beast


Except for Snow White who miraculously survived

Because killing her off right now just is not right.


Finally, after months of pursuit,

Snow White got cornered by a creepy Zombie Jew

She kissed the Zombie, and turned it into a handsome prince

They fell in love instantly, and had the stepmom lynched.


They lived eating zombies ever after

Until they got AIDS from eating a walker

Who was a whore before she died

And so the princess finally died.


The moral of this story is that

Being a whore is wrong and bad


Especially if you ruin the ending

Of a lovely fairytale writing

By a guy who had been spending

A dozen hours to bring your enjoying.

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