Top 10 Travelling Tips for Tourists

I’ve been to more than 10 countries in 4 continents, so I know a thing or two about travelling. Here are the top 10 travelling tips you can use to help you make the most of your vacations.

Number ten. Getting a basic 1st grade understanding of the language of the place you’re visiting is important and helps prevent basic misunderstandings and possibly death. Of course, who has the time? Instead, learn only key phrases of the foreign language. It won’t help you communicate with the locals but it will make you look like a helpless softie and thus easier to exploit, and that’s just part of the tourist experience. A simple fact of tourism is that locals hate you. Even locals who like seeing fresh faces, whose sole means of income is tourism, will still eventually get sick and tired of foreign assholes in their backyard, holding up the traffic, disrespecting their cultural relics and acting like they own the place, so acclimatize your senses to the taste of spit, jizz and piss in your food, and convince yourself that “cunt” is just French for “nice person”


NOBODY knows what this means (South Park, Comedy Central)

Number nine. You may be 8000 miles across the world, but the fact of the matter is that the world is boring. So instead of getting the full mud hut and shit pit experience, make sure your five-star hotel has air conditioning, cable, internet and English breakfast, and underpaid workers, after all you didn’t travel 8000 miles to get a change of scenery.


Pictured: Pennsylvania or Zimbabwe (

Number eight. It may be tempting to bring cash in order to spend on tourist activity and souvenirs, but don’t. Most tourist activities are scams, you don’t need to pay $50 to see some structure carved by 1000 B.C. slaves, or buy some tourist merch made in China. If you bring no cash, then you’ll become impervious to robberies and theft, and besides, having to exchange sexual favors for a scenic tour just makes your trip that much more memorable.


Your face when you just saved $1000 on a helicopter ride (The Dictator, Sacha Baren Cohen)

Number seven. Get your will and life insurance in order, as travelling to a foreign country entails significant risk of dying from food poisoning, natural disasters, STDs from underage Thai trannies who are definitely not the purpose of your trip to Thailand (it’s a business trip!), or terrorism if you go to one of the ‘stans. After you get your will and life insurance in order and name me as your beneficiary (pro tip: always name me as your beneficiary), definitely do dangerous activities, after all the third world shithole you’re visiting definitely has a comfortable amount of regulation and oversight, and they never cheap out on safety measures, so what could possibly go wrong? You only live once, so who not spend that life earning me some insurance money – I mean having fun?


This travel advice is George Carlin approved


Number six. If a country frequently makes appearances on the news, that means they are famous and you have to get their signature to auction on ebay. Keywords like “political” and “turmoil” only mean the country is a conscious celebrity who cares about the average joe despite having made it, and you would be honored to be a groupie, and if you happen to get hurt, or step on a landmine from a forgotten war, it’s definitely unexpected and an unavoidable tragedy. And while you’re at it, don’t bother checking the weather forecast either.


Don’t hesitate to blacklist websites such as this one and this one

Number five. Travel by plane. Sure you could go to a location within driving distance, but where’s the fun in saving money, being able to bring all your stuff, and the freedom to go home whenever? And sure, a bus ticket is probably cheaper and you don’t have to go through TSA, but flying the 200 miles is much safer than making the trek on wheels especially since you don’t have to sit next to serfs, and even though it is a really inefficient use of aircraft, without it I would be out of a career so keep flying, no matter how short the distance!


100% of the fun in a vacation is the 30 minute flight there and back

Number four. Don’t bring a GPS you can use, instead, stick to the approved tourist paths and follow the English signage, because you may think you’re so smart by taking shortcuts and doing your own navigation and exploring the place on your own and buying from local shops that don’t mark up prices by 500%, but you’ll likely end up in a Somali ghetto cornered by armed pirates, dammit Garmin I told you, no ghettos!


“You took a wrong turn boy” (RCR)


Number three. While you are abroad, expose yourself to as many pathogens as possible. Remember, if a practice is part of the local culture, then it is by definition hygienic and good for you. Eat bugs? Sure! Share food? Why not? Who’s to say what is or isn’t healthy?


“Ma Binglin”, “Mr. Yang” and these “Chinese” villagers are clearly self hating racist bigots, and tourists should not be deterred from participating in this wonderful traditional culture. (

Number two. Leave your ethics behind. If you are travelling, it automatically means you give zero fucks about ethics and morals. So, don’t act like you love the environment when you put out a year’s worth of driving emissions in one round trip. You chose to board a cruise ship that doesn’t give two shits what it puts into the atmosphere. Don’t act like you care about women’s rights when your tourism is indirectly funding the Saudi government. And if you are horrified by the animal cruelty, just stop. You chose to vacation there and give them your money when you could have picked any first world country or Iowa, you chose to travel to an authoritarian dictatorship with poor animal rights and human rights records, you chose to go to a vastly backwards country because you thought it would be “fun” and “interesting” and “broaden your horizons”, so drop your ethical bullshit when you see cock fighting, dog fighting, dog meat, animal torture, persecution, misogyny, street beheadings, racist rednecks, whatever. You’re a tourist and that means by definition you have no morals. Drop all that bullshit pretense, stop judging, don’t act surprised, you know full well what you’re doing.


“Jeez, I sure hope that I won’t encounter anything outrageous while I’m in SYRIA” (Syrian Ministry of Tourism)

And finally, The Number One Travelling Tip is don’t. If you want to see the Eiffel Tower, do an image search. If you have to see killer whale shows abroad because sea world caved in to the libtards and stopped making the fish do stupid tricks, YouTube is your friend. It’ll save you tons of time and money, and besides, a killer whale behind a glass aquarium is no more real than a killer whale behind the glass of your 70 inch 4k TV.


You’re welcome. (AP)

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